Treat people with kindness and they will be more responsive

    如果你瞧不起别人，对别人不好，他们就会回敬你，就会像你预想的那样让人讨厌，充满敌意。相反，如果你很愤怒，但仍旧善待别人，他们往往能更好地回应你的感受和观点。

    有些人不接受这种做法。常听到有人说，"我不应该对他好。他不配。"其它还有"我太生气了，没办法好好待她","我想不出什么好话来说他",以及"她这样对我，我为什么还要对她好".其实，如果你决定在激烈的争执中真心尊重别人，你所付出的努力会更有效。

    If you treat people with kindness and respect, they'll be more flexible and responsive. We all want love and respect but sometimes we don't want to give love and respect, especially when we are at odds with someone and we're feeling hurt and angry.

    If you want a better relationship with anyone "Stroking" is mandatory. If you look down on people and treat them badly, they'll retaliate and appear just as annoying and hostile as you expected. If, in contrast, you treat people with kindness and respect in spite of your anger, they'll nearly always be far more flexible and responsive to your feelings and point of view.

    Some people are resistant to this technique. "I shouldn't have to be nice to him. He doesn't deserve it." is a common opinon. Others are "I'm just too angry to be nice to her", "I can't think of anything positive to say about him", and " Why should I be nice to her when she's treated me like this". But if you decide to convey genuine respect in the heat of battle, your efforts will be far more effective.

    How to use "Stroking"

    * Give the other person a genuine compliment. Comment on some positive quality or trait they have.

    * Let the other person know that you like, respect, or admire them, and value their friendship even though you're both feeling angry or disagreeing with each other right now.

    * Convey warmth and caring through your body language, showing that you're interested, open and receptive, as opposed to frowning, crossing your arms across your chest, and shaking your head in a judgemental way.

    But do you have to stroke people who really are jerks? Isn't it better to be honest and let people know what idiots they are? The answer is that you don't have to treat anyone with respect. You can respond to people any way you want to. It just depends on the kinds of relationships you want.

    The Power of Admiration

    Sometimes we all have to express negative feelings and tell people something that may upset them. Stroking is invaluable in this situation as well. We all have a deep need to feel admired and respected. If you treat people with kindness and make sure that your comments will never hurt or humiliate them, you can get away with saying just about anything. If you have to criticise someone, but you convey liking or respect at the same time, that person won't be so tempted to get defensive and dismiss your comments.

    Here's a useful exercise that will help you develop greater skill in this technique:

    Over the next week, make it a point to give out at least twenty-five compliments. Make sure that you include friends, family, shop assistants, and even strangers. I do this all the time. You will be amazed at how people, even strangers will light up when you say something next to them.